We all get to choose for ourselves
It has been days since we saw the sun. The weather has been unseasonal and cold. And today through my studio window it is streaming and hitting my desk as it likes to do in the morning. Seeing the sun today is a comfort but so is every grey chilly day. You see the weather is something I cannot control so I try not to let it control me.
I refuse to let my mood depend on it. The sun is nice but also is the grey, or a slight rain. Remember I have my red umbrella, and I get to carry it out with me on a drizzly day. That is a consolation.
There is so much I cannot control. So much that scares me sometimes. Yet my little human heart beats all the same and I go off and make the day. So do you. None of us know the future, yet we walk towards it bravely and hopefully. The weather is really just a symbol of all the things out of our hands.
And really in many ways I am thankful that I am not in control. My children each have their own brave little worlds they are mustering through. They make their own decisions. So do the rest of my family and all of my friends. We all get to make our own choices.
Others make choices I would never make. I reflect on these sometimes and wonder what I might do. Sometimes I feel a bit judgemental, and then I try to remind myself, "not your choice to make Deanne." And it isn't. We all get to meander our own way through life and we all choose differently. It's normal to reflect on other peoples choices. It is also normal to judge. I have a brain that is weighing things out and judging all the time. It is the job of a brain to do this. It's just important for me to remember that I have no right to judge. Sometimes when people make hard decisions, I am thankful that it is not me who had to make that decision.
We can never really wear another persons shoes. It is as the old saying goes. I have this one "wild and precious life" (Mary Oliver) and my question of course is what am I going to do with it? No poet has ever asked us what are we going to do with someone else's life. Because they know it's not ours to choose. It's not even ours to judge. Yet I sometimes catch myself looking over the fence and lifting my chin quickly as if to say "What the @$%&?" When really I need to tend to my own garden cause it's got weeds enough. There is always something in my own life that needs a bit of work. And that is something I can do something about.
So I am happiest when I am in my own yard, literally and metaphorically. When I stray over the fence, thinking I would do this or that, I find myself a bit like a gossip. Someone who knows a little then makes the rest up. So today I start over again at minding my own business and letting others mind theirs. I begin again with a kind heart, having cleared my mind with you, hoping that you understand and that maybe you too sometimes have to start over.
- Deanne Fitzpatrick