I have a peony sitting on my desk and every time I see it it lifts me a little. I bought it at the farmers market and it is just past its prime right now. Soon time to let it go. It is sitting next to my crockery jar of pencils besides the book that I'll read with my breakfast.
At breakfast I like to have a design book or magazine. I read these to see what the trends and ideas are. Mostly I get them from the library. It is a good way to start the morning. To just think about beauty.
I think about beauty a lot, In fact when I wake through the night, I often think about the rugs I am working on, which leads me to this. I am not happy with the one I have on the frame right now. I have in fact been arguing with it since I drew it on. I like the design, it is unique and interesting. It is the colour. When I went to think about it through the night I became sad when I saw it in my mind.
Usually the colours and their potential lead me to all kinds of beautiful places but not this time. I was stuck in this dark green colour way. So it was not soothing me but irritating me. So instead, I started imagining a blank canvas. Freedom. Freedom to begin again if only in my mind.
This morning I feel stronger and more powerful. I am going to go at the rug with some new ideas. If they do not work I will start over. I might even let it go if that is necessary. I have about five tricks up my sleeve that I am going to try. One is to finish it and forget it...not my favourite trick.
And I have been here before. Time and time again.
It goes something like this.
You love the rug.
You think you're brilliant. You are not sure about it.
You hate it.
You think you have no talent at all.
You come back to it.
It's really not that bad.
You work on it some more.
You feel pretty good after all.
You like it.
And this can go on and on. And that's ok. You don't walk away from it even though you say you might. You stick with it, you go all in and you finish it.
I try not to take my feelings about the rug too seriously. I try to finish it. I try to love it through it's ugly spots and bring it home to me.
