A day as blank as a page

I keep a daily journal. That journal is important to me. I write down in it all my appointments. Fo years I kept this on my phone only to find out that I often missed appointments because I could not see them. I went back to an old fashioned day book. It shows me my month as a whole. I just have a few commitments outside the studio so I just them down on the monthly calendar. I can see when a week gets too crowded and I lose time to hook. I try not to book more than a couple of things in a day, given that my main work is to hook rugs and be in the studio.

In the back of that journal the dates are listed again by the day, for a week. It is there that I keep track of how I spend my days. As Annie Dillard says, "How we spend our days, is of course, how we spend our life." I like to know each day what I did and reflect on it a bit. These are just scribbled down notes. Little scratches about who I saw or what I cooked. Reminders to me of how I spent my time.

I also write my weekly to do list there. All the things that perhaps I did not have the time to do one day get written down so I will remember them. They sometimes get carried over week to week. That is often a little task for Sunday night. I have room on this two page spread to remind myself what I am doing for the Thursday live and also what I need to be grateful for. It is amazing what can fit onto a page.

I have never been able to let someone who works with me book my time or use an online app that lets people book an appointment with me. It feels far too personal to let someone else manage. I keep the book and it is only me who blocks off an hour or writes in it. And when I do it is nearly always in pencil. I am a great believer in the pencil. Mistakes can be erased. Rescheduling is easy. What was once there can disappear. If to-do lists get too long, the ones crossed off can be erased and you can start again. It is a magical little tool.

I am fortunate in my life that I get to do the thing I love to do. That my time is my own to spend. I have many good friends who in service to others have appointment after appointment. This is their life's work. Their times are scheduled so that they can do what they must do.

I work as an artist. I am happy that I get to keep my own book. I like to keep the book because I like to own my time. When I look back at life it seems to have gone by so fast. It is like a dream. Time, because of this, feels sacred to me. It is what I need to hook rugs, to make what I am here to make. I guard the book so that there are large blocks of time to do my work. I am selfish about it. I tell myself that we are all selfish about something. I cannot imagine opening that book and seeing hours, days, or weeks blocked off by activities, meetings, or travel so that I would not have time to make. I like to open the book and know that there is space for creativity, and when I do I feel lucky and I feel blessed.

Years ago I got in the habit of not booking time when I had children because family was my priority. I did not want to be on the road teaching. I wanted to be home after school, available to go to the game. I wanted home cooked meals and the odd pan of cinnamon buns to be coming out of the oven. I wanted to be there. I was in the thick of it, feeling like it would go on forever, but knowing that it would not.

After the children grew I took back my time. They became independent and so did I . Suddenly, in the words of John O'Donohue, there was "space in our togetherness." I had room to create as much as wanted and I took it and I cherished it. I still do. Around this time I also stopped going to meetings and decided that my volunteer work would be more direct service than something that required me to meet. I felt I could give more if I was more careful with my time.

The word sacred and time became more intertwined and it remains so. A day can feel so long when it is before you and you have no plans but it isn't. Looking back on the quiet days when I am at home with a book, they go by fast too. They too feel like a rolling film with us just remembering bits and pieces, time flickering by.

I like my day book because it helps me remember the beauty of an hour, the depth of a day. It reminds me of the difference between what I must do both for others and for myself. In a way that paper book makes time real. It shows me the spaces in between that are meant for making. It shows me that space for creativity is essential. So I hold on to my days as best I can, precious as they are, and I record them so that I will know that I showed up.