Rest in yourself

My friend Lily says as you get older if you get six hours of straight sleep you are to be grateful. And I think she is right. I don't sleep the way I used to. I sleep well but it is different than when I was younger. The younger Deanne never saw the sunrise unless she had stayed out all night. The older Deanne is often awake in the dark padding quietly around the house or laying still in the dark with her hands folded on her chest in prayer. I remember how my mother laid like this when I used to come home as a young woman at two in the morning. Prayer has a history.

I go to bed early and wake early. This fall I bought a heavy big soft furry blanket that I keep on my couch opposite the wood stove. Once I felt a pang of envy when a woman on instagram showed herself reading by the fireplace in her bedroom. Isn't she lucky and special I thought. And then I remembered I have a wood stove and a couch which could do the same thing. So I go down there often at 4:30 or 5:00 and I feed the stove and read a bit and often drift back to sleep for another hour or so. And I feel cozy and happy. If I sleep til five I am ready for the day, and anything extra is lovely.

I don't like waking at 2:30 or 3:30 am though now I know I am never alone. Women everywhere are awake. Wondering. Worrying. One woman told me she has a group of four friends who this happens to and they have a middle of the night text chat for anyone who is up. That made me laugh but I understood. When I wake in the middle of the night I pray and I read. And I talk myself down from wild troubling thoughts that I know I won't have in the day. Cause you don't think the same in the night. It is like I have one setting for the day and another for 3:30 am. And thank you for telling me you understand because I know so many of you do. We think differently in the dark than we do in the light of day.

As I lay there I like to remind myself that I am not alone, and that it is ok. It is ok to be awake. That I will sleep when I am ready. My friend Carol always said, "Rest is good even if you don't sleep" and I think of that and remember her wisdom. And I try to draw upon my own wisdom. Each of us has that well of knowledge and understanding inside of us. And I remind myself of good things, of love, and rugs on the frame and I imagine sketches as rugs. And then I begin to dream again. 

I am thankful I live in a world where we can talk about the changes we experience as we age. That menopause, as well as pre and post, are part of the natural rhythms of a woman's life and that as women we talk. That we demystify things for each other. Our stories free us from feeling like there is something wrong with us and wake us up to each other and to understanding. Because we are never alone. My friend says, "When we look out the window there is often a light on across the street." There is always someone wondering about their life just as you do, as I do. And this is true, there are lights on everywhere and this is just part of growing older and finding our way.