Oh phone I miss you when you're gone

I love my phone because it keeps me in touch with the people I love. Yesterday I was away for the day and the internet was broken and I had no cell service and I missed it terribly. I did not miss scrolling on social media or looking up recipes or unimportant facts. What I missed was connection. 

With my phone I can reach out to an old friend with a simple text and say, "Hey I am thinking of you." I can ask my cousin in Newfoundland what his kids are up to. So yesterday I was a bit lost because as I thought of people, I could not just extend a tiny gesture of friendship. I also missed receiving texts and phone calls. People catching me up and letting me know. There was no way someone could contact me and invite me to tea if they could not reach me. I reminded myself that most days this does not happen anyway. 

So yesterday I realized I am addicted to the phone for the little dopamine hits it gives me. Those I get from reaching out and those I get from being reached out to. And if that's the case then it is ok. I like letting people know I am thinking of them. I like hearing they are thinking of me. 

You never hear me say, "I hate those darn things."  about my phone because I don't. I feel an affection for it. It lets me connect with people all over the world. It keeps me present to my business no matter where I am. It is a link between myself and the things I love. It can research an artist for me in moments and teach me how to sketch a donkey. What's not love. Well. It is also like a cheesecake in the refrigerator. You know it's there and you want to eat it. You want to eat it all the time. In fact sometimes you want too many pieces of it. And you'll eat it until you don't feel well. 

So even though I love my phone I turn all my notifications off. I put it in a drawer sometimes for hours at a time. I never leave it near me when I read. I have the rug hooker Bonnie Moore to thank for that. She told me she puts her phone in another room when she reads. And it never comes to bed with me. I only take paper books and my husband with me to bed. And I am righteous about this for myself. You see I love my phone a lot but too much of a good thing is not a good thing. And I know this.

And yesterday when I had no cell service and no internet I was stressed. I read, I hooked, I cooked, I napped and did all the things you can do easily without a phone but still I missed it. I missed the beauty that it brings into my life. The "hey there's," the impromptu invites, the quickly gathered information, the opportunities. I appreciate those and they make my life richer. I like those. And I like owning my phone. And I mean to own it. I mean to use it for all the good things it brings me. And I mean to make sure that I do not let it own me. I don't want it dinging during dinner. There is no way I am ever gonna let it let me know that someone has commented on a Facebook post. There is no need of that. I mean to use it well for the lovely things, for the joy it can bring. And to do that I need to make sure I know how to set it aside, how to let myself read, how to enjoy the quiet, how to be a human who owns her phone instead of it owning her.