An Hour to Herself

Sometimes I feel guilty when I am with family, surrounded by everyone and everything I love and value and still I need an hour to myself. I feel I should want to always be with the crowd. That I should take advantage of our every moment together. And honestly I want to but I am just not made like that.

Whenever I feel overstimulated from lots of voices, laughter, dishes clanging, and so much beauty, I need to retreat for a bit just to take it all in. Just to rest and restore. For years when I was younger I saw this as a fault. I was unlike others who not only were able to tolerate larger groups but thrive on it. I saw it like there was something wrong with me. Sometimes I would stay longer than I should and this would lead to stress and frustration.

I get a lot of joy from being with the people I love. I feel the poignancy and grace of it. Sometimes right in that moment I cannot believe the beauty of the scene, the happiness and delight that is there in the room. I understand it all and yet after a time I need to step back from it. Slowly over the years I have learned to accept this about myself and the pangs and guilt that come with it. 

How can one want to step back from such loveliness? I have learned that many people do not understand this need which is really basic for me. My mind gets overstimulated. I get on edge when I have too much social time. It is part of who I am, and not a part of myself that I love, but still a part of myself that I need to nurture. I sometimes need to leave the party early, or go to bed while there are still people talking in the living room. The people who know me well accept this and understand that it is me, not them, that makes me retreat. And yet it always feels a bit sad when I do it. It feels as if I am not appreciating the people around me or the moment we are in. And so I try my best to last a little longer before I go off to hook or read on my own.

But I know that sometimes the only thing that I need is a hour to myself. And I have learned that everyone understands that sometimes you just need an hour to yourself. And I explain it this way: There are points in most people's lives where they just need an hour to themselves, and I am a person who needs one more often than others. And we are out there, the social introverts who love being in the crowd for limited amounts of time. We love the company, the gathering, and the joy until we don't and then we have to go to our rooms and take a time out. Except this is not a punishment. It is more like a prescription. It is like a tonic. And this hour or two alone allows us to carry on. It allows us to welcome the crowd again, to be a good listen, to love and connect. With out that hour on our own we just can't make it.

And so this is why I love hooking and writing and reading and walking. These are activities that can be carried out alone without background noise. They calm my brain and stimulate it at the same time. They are all a salve from the busy overstimulating world that sometimes leave me feeling like I am chasing my tail. And in these activities I feel I have a place to go even from the people I love. A place where I can catch my breath and understand that I am just me, made the way I was made, not perfectly good but pretty good. I am just me who sometimes needs an hour to herself.