These days

People often tell me the first thing they do when they wake in the morning is give thanks. I feel thankful in the morning too. I am excited for the day, eager to hook on my current rug or begin a new one. I am hopeful and ready. And this is what I want.

There are rare days where I wake up with a sudden sadness. I feel lonely or disengaged for no real reason. Nothing has changed from the many days I wake up feeling happy and engaged. I remind myself of all I have to be grateful for and go about my day. I walk, I get ready, I get busy, but on those days, I feel as though tears are waiting in my cheeks for no real reason. And I go about my day wondering why that is. Did I dream a sad dream I don't remember? Am I overtired? Do I need a day to step away? And usually within a couple of hours the sadness recedes because I get lost in whatever activity I have ahead of me. I remind myself of all that is right, remember what could be wrong, and I move forward. Deliberately. I allow myself a little wallow, because it's ok to feel sad for unknown reasons. It is a real feeling. 

Feelings come and feelings go. I have to be intentional about moving through them. Usually on these days I need to talk to someone. I need to share what I am experiencing so I can process it and move past it. It is how I make it better. 

And that is where friends come in. I have a few who experience similar feelings for no good reason. And with that comes some guilt. We all know we should be grateful. We all know that things could change at the drop of a hat and we would then know exactly why we are sad, and yet sometimes we are slightly undone regardless of reason. And with that guilt comes some shame. We admonish ourselves for our feelings. We should be better, know better, do better. And perhaps we should. But sometimes you just feel some unexplainable sadness and you don't know why. You look to your life, to the state of the world, and you can see all kinds of potential cause, yet those same causes were there yesterday. You look to the weather. To your childhood. To the flaking paint on the door, and all you know is that your feelings are real. 

So you tell your friend and she says, yes that happens to me. And yes it just comes and goes, and yes you cannot always explain it. And you walk and you look into the woods and you see the ferns, unbothered by anything, just there to be lush. And you pull weeds from the bed of lavender by your door, and the scents waft up to remind you that you are here and there is beauty in being. And you write it all down in your journal and you feel less alone. And something lifts and a feeling of sadness becomes just that. You see that you are no exception, just another traveller and you too will have moments of unrest, of loneliness and you will wake up from them. And you say to yourself, "Who am I to escape such things?" and you feel as if you are an important part of the world again because you belong and you understand. And you move through it.

And this is all ok because you are so small under the golden sun and under the big moon. You are just another rider of the waves. And you can see that even when things are good there will be moments and hours and maybe even days when you are not quite fit and that you will need tenderness from your very own heart. That thankfulness sometimes needs to be mustered and you must do that work. For your heart is in your own hands on these days.

And these days are just days and they will pass.