Never enough of the good stuff

The sidewalk is grey. There is the detritus of winter being revealed on it as the first warm sun of spring fall upon me. I am walking again, and thinking. Perhaps more is revealed to us on the grey days because the world around us is less awash with the yellow of the sun.

And so I find myself repeating the same things over and over again in my head. And sometimes I say these things out loud as well. On a phone conversation to my daughter or walking with my friend. We speak our hollow spots to those we trust. You can never really be full. You can have fun and joy and love and yet there will still be moments of emptiness in life, even in a good life. There are times you will languish and wonder. And there will be times you need to talk about it.

And sometimes in those moments you will take a drive. You might even go to the mall and try on a new perfume or buy a mascara. You will day dream about opening a cafe or moving to a small town. You will wonder what is wrong with you. And then somehow once you distract yourself the feeling goes away for a while. But it will return. And the thing I need to learn to do is welcome the return. To not fear the languishing. To not fear the emptiness. Because it is real, not just for us, but for everyone. It is okay to feel empty, lonely or lost for a while.

Sometimes I meet it in the kitchen with a batter bowl and bake something beautiful. Mostly I meet it in the studio with my hook. Sometimes I meet it here on the page. I used to think there was something wrong with me that I had feelings of loneliness or emptiness, but now I know it is nothing odd. It is what happens when we take the time to slow down, to let the world simmer. We open ourselves up to the possibilities that life could be more, that there is no such thing as enough love, enough joy, enough learning. You can have enough lipsticks, enough sweaters, enough cake but you can never have enough of the magic of life. We will always want a little bit more of that. And that's ok. 

We can rest in that thought. There is nothing wrong with us for wanting more interesting ideas or more creativity. And when we stagnate and feel that boredom shadow over us it is often this that we are looking for. We are looking for ways to live a full and engaging life. And in these times this is the thing we should seek. Instead of eating or drinking or buying a mascara I can ask myself, what is it you really need and how can you get it? I need to ask myself what am I am using to avoid this very real question. Is it pie? or lipstick? or Friday night wine? What is it I could be doing to fill myself up? I have always found the answers somewhere in learning, reading, writing, walking or rug hooking, or making. These old standards. And when I am in a mood it needs to be these I turn to because these things give me something back. 

There really is never enough of the good stuff in life and that is why we seek it. We should seek it freely without admonishment or guilt. You just have to know what you are seeking and how it can help carry you to where you need to go.