Do something.

There is a lot to be considered in a life. From our routine life, the bits and pieces that make up the day to the big questions we carry around like baggage. I often dream that I am young and deciding where to settle and what to work at. In this dream I am wandering and somewhat lost. I am looking for something. It usually ends with me remembering I have the studio. But in between there is indecision and confusion. 

Every time I have this dream it brings me back to the time when I was unsettled in my twenties when I was finishing my undergraduate degree. I had no job. I did not know where I would live or what would happen next. It was a time of uncertainty and indecision. I did not know how the story was going to go. 

In time it became clear because I just put one foot in front of the other. Even when I did not know what to do I did something. And perhaps I did not always make the very best decisions. How can I truly know? I do not get top look at reels of my life as if it were a movie about alternate choices. But what I do get to do is to make the very best of each decision. A practical person does this. They work on it. They keep on. They try. They make it happen.

Occasionally, I day dream about alternate lives. And yes I have that recurring dream. But I know that choices I made actually made me. And I had no idea this was happening as it was happening. I did not go on a weekend and learn to hook rugs thinking it would change my life. I just went to play, to be with my sisters, to get away. And so often it is like this. We can find our way without ever knowing that is what we are doing. Once I had the wonderful opportunity to speak to a graduating grade twelve class and I told them what I knew. I told them that you don't have to know exactly what you are doing, you just have to do something. I also told them that if their mother texts them that they should text her back because she just wants to know they are all right. These were my two main points. 

What I did not tell them is that not knowing the purpose or meaning of your life goes on and on in life. It goes on forever in some ways. I did not want to worry them to much. It was their graduation and they had enough on their mind. My job was to inspire them not burden them. But the truth is purpose and meaning in life shifts and changes depending on the stage you are in. Even if you find the right partner, the right career, the right community there will still be questions. There will still be days that you wonder. If you are someone who looks for meaning you will still sometimes search. And the search can go on and on. At times we search for different things. It is like loving the questions. It is ok to nurture and love the search itself.

We want more sometimes, not to fill a bucket but to fulfill a heart. We want more because we are alive. We want more because our hearts beat and our spirit wants to sing. Sometimes I feel guilty when I don't feel satisfied until I remember that this beating heart is curious. It wants to love, to be lost in the moment, to pursue curiosity. It does not want another thing. It wants another idea, another dream, another bit of fairy dust so it can sparkle. And life is like this for some of us. We need the fairy dust. And we need to sprinkle that fairy dust on others. That is who we are. That is our joy. 

So I don't always feel like I know what I should be doing. Instead I always feel like at least I can be doing something. And sometimes that looks like sitting quietly looking out at the field and the spruce hoping that the cardinal that has been singing half the day will land on the dark green boughs. And yes that sitting and doing not much is doing something. That is how ideas come, just like the cardinal on the bough. They land lightly and sit for a while. And after that you just have to listen to their song. Sometimes doing something means waiting for the next idea to land or to take flight.